Birth
Hi friends, today is my day, which is why i’ve decided to spend some quiet time and write some small thing to me, and you, all of us. I actually dread my day every year, but this year, at least I could reflect upon it.
For the last long while, my dream has always been the same, for the last 6 years. There is nothing i want more than, well, life. A normal one, quiet simple life, meaningful. So much more out there that I want, so much I want to do, to try and to embrace. But it is in my internal programming that I cannot override, so many times I’ve tried to bruteforce my inner self, but it has always been my body that reject my trials.
My life is littered with fear at every corner. I, was conditioned to think so, to think that to rise is to be punished, to bow down to all the forces of life.
If you are to some day look around you, may you see that it is the same. Our friends, pressured by their peers, our parents, jelous and fearful of the neighbors and extended family. Our brothers and sisters, always seeking approval from, well, us, or other people, or society?
- Weird how the shacles of society that keeps all of us depressed and belitted is the same one that brought our species to the top of the chain.
- How the facade of “I’m fine”, “It’s all right”, “We’re doing good” is the ones we use too give our self permission to be miserable.
Again it is the condition that we have all learnt as a collective, to hide our emotions. “fine”, is the new “not fine”, and “good”, is the new “okay” . So how are you today big dog?, how are you really?
Give yourself a chance to be “negative”, to feel the bad feels that you’ve been pushing away. To be humans is to see all of our sins. Feel them, ground yourself, truth is, it’s less depressing being sad than running away from being sad. Cry if you could, scream when you can <3.
As for me. I’m good, very good to be honest, it’s getting better. As much as one man could be, what more can you ask on your day? Hope you could spend the day with me, even though I want to be alone in my silence today, I would like your anonymous company.
Let me tell you of my anecdotes, the one of Produde Mertens.
Honestly I do not know where to really start, I did not plan any of this, but there are thoughts that keep comming back to me the past few days, the conversations that I had, feelings that circle me that I would hope to leave here.
1. That day in the park
and that day on the street, another at the book store, one online, and so many others.
I thought of doing a memorial today, in rememberance of the ones that helped me all those years ago. But it’s a shame that some are not here anymore, and there are no one else for me to share those memories with. So I would like to honor them here. Thank you, kind angles. It is by God’s will that you came in and walk with me all those days ago, so I will always have space for you in my heart, though you don’t know that, it makes no different either way.
Three years ago. Some one pulled me out of my own darkness. They had faith more than I could ever, or will ever have in myself. They saw the strength and will that I did not know existed. They gave me hope, just enough for me to want to stay.
Three years ago. A new friend showed me kindess. We walked by the side of the Sai Gon river talking about life and after. About struggles and loves, all the sillies and pains. That kindness stayed with me after they are long gone.
Thank you forever, kind one.
I sometimes have thought of my own funeral, when I’m gone, or dissapear, who would remember my name? all of my names? And what would they say as their final words? Will there be a speach, or just some boring Vietnamese traditional bows and incents. Funny again how i think that no one will remember much of me. That of no way I was ever significant, I think so. Was I a good person? I did never tried to be, I tried to be kind, loving. I hope they know that. Part of being human is never being perfect, ever ever being trully good enough at caring for the things you care for. But know that I made effort, for every one I cared for, each in their own way, in my own way, different color, different love.
So, you dear angel, know that there’s one that will always honor your beauty, even when you’re long away. Your kindness, will forever be pure in my heart.
For all my angles.
Merida, Mable, Spienk, Daphne, Thomas
2. Pain!
Of all the questions, there has been this new one that I like to ponder. And the answer has always been the same.
What is the one thing, that made you who you are?
For me, my loves. It is PAIN. Unwavering pain, inexorable pain, all the stupid variants of it.
Without pain there is no love, without sufering there can not be life. Though love saves me, it is pain that has shaped my character.
- It is the bumbling pain of defeat
- The gentle pain of sadness
- The burning pain of lost
- The fatigue of muscle
- The sea of longing
- The prickle of anxiety
- The pain of knowing all of these things, we all know ignorance is bliss
- And the endless ache of pain that never left. My pain, 6 years ago.
Forgive me for being egotistical, but there are none that could bare my pain. I do not wish it on even my worse enemy. Cause if it almost got the best of me, I will get the best of you.
Trust me how little it takes to drive a person insane, I would know I was so close to it.
Tell me, have you ever drown? The felling of flailing your limbs around, mouth gasping for air, half filled with water, desperate? The state of panic that you’re in before you give out and sink?
That where I was, for so many, so many. So many times I wanted to say “I’m tired, boss!”, I want to have a good night sleep and forget the pain. I want to drop all my priorities and just relax in my games and my tiny sphere. I want to stay with my family, enjoy the home cooked meals, and happily wake up in the morning, knowing all my expeneses are paid for, knowing that a easy life is just at hand’s reach.
But alas, there are no simple life, there are no boss that could stop this, god never talks to his children, he watches them from afar. There ARE NO RELAXing, not for me, there are no good night sleep, no peace of mind. There is only the truth, that I have to bear the unbearable, that no one could ever understand what it was like, that a simple life was not made for me because this stupid one I’m in is chess. That every sleep needs to be planned and the moment I autopilot, enjoy myself, it just hurt, more and more and over, and over again. There are no “sphere” that I could escape into, cause where ever I go, what ever I do, it is there, as constant as time, my own personal jailor, my Pain.
“I am the Sisyphus of my story, share my burden, but never touch it.“
Yet I have to believe that one day, I would do better. I’m far along now then I was 3 years ago. I feel a bit all right now. It won’t go away, I’ve given up on that hope. But i will live, love, and live.
3. Fear
Do you have fear? What do you fear the most. Sssh don’t tell me here, maybe some day. As for me
I fear losing myself.
I fear one day I’ll go insane and be imprisoned by my own mind. Cause the moment you lose who you are, the moment that your soul is lost, there is no meaning anymore. You’re no longer man, just lifeless machinery.
It came around often when I was in pain, fearing that the pain would break me, and it did. But somehow I’m still hear, beating, another version, better, worse, but never the same.
Luckly that day has not come, not yet. Till that day I will always guard my mentality and try to love myself more. Till that day, “Hic sunt leones!”
I fear being mediocre.
Maybe this is some illusion of grandiose, but I was never meant to just survive. I was suppose to live. It’s not about being the best, or achiving so much in life, having prosperirty, or status, or … whatever your version of societal success is.
I want to be alive. Trully alive. Free. Was all I ever wanted.
I fear wasting my life away doing the same thing that every one is doing just because everyone is doing it.
I fear being pressured to “trends”, “stereotypes”. I fear being the normalized image of what people expect me to be.
I want to live and explore myself, not just lowering your head and walk silently to avoid gaze.
I want to live proud and brave. Alive and full of mistakes. Peaceful but never stale, always cringe.
Cause like what i heard and always say
“Embarassment is an underexplored emotion, so go out there and embarras yourself”.
And yes there are many more fears
But that’s for another day. Feel your fear, walk don’t run, do things with it.
Don’t do it when fearless, do it afraid.
There are no such thing that is fearless, there is only courage!
Friends <3
Thank you my friends. I appreciate all of you. It is you that accompany me so far on this long and short journey.
- My bros, the loud ones, the silly ones, you’ve been always spending time with me since so long. Dok, Yuh, Mario
- My blood brother Pham
- My stupid ass shadow. Noah.
- Mom, dad. Thank you.
- My random friends that I made along the days
- Anna
- Lucas
- Kebab sisters
- Summer, all of you kind kids.
- My discord strangers that I talked to that day: Fly, Frog, Ng
- Sugar, you too <3
- My club buddies. It has not been long but it was so much fun
- Madis
- Cleirs
- Kobe
- Exprs
- Dan
- I cant remember everyone, sorry for that. ✌️
- Thank you me. for being me.
Hope
How depressing has this note been? very i presume for first time readers. Hope that you get through it one day. Not my problem really, trauma is a bitch.
Still why not talk about hope?
Would you like me to list everything I did this year? I did more things than I ever did 3 years ago. And actually feel proud of it. How was your year? I know this sounds like bragging, but I trully felt like I tried something, it was painful for most of it, but for a moment, i feel the sense of worth looking back at all those time.
| No more pills | I spend time with my bros sometimes, planned. | I like going out now. Ambivert | Im slowly quitting League |
|---|---|---|---|
| Ran 7k | Read 10 books | New friends | Hosting? |
| Got a new “cat” | Still working | Travel | Woke up early (like 3 times :)) |
| Scilence | Origami | Accupuncture | Mental checkup |
| Small abandoned projects lol | My brother | Socializing | Less Pain |
And i found silence, and nature, in small pockets, it makes me feel grounded, and some how alive.
So what? hear me out friend.
It is impossible for me to instill hope and motivation into you, we are complex creatures, we were born prideful, we were raised competitive and some even hateful. But trust me when I say, what ever that you dream of, I hope you could do it, we are not so different you and I. We both were born on this wonderful life, we live in a time of uncertainty and turmoil. We are in a time where humans have evolve not for community but rather gains and status, we are in a world of automation and lost hopes. Yet here I am calling you back down to earth, to touch the green grass and remind yourself that life is not up there, it’s not about the how much you could make, what place you could be, what connection you have. But rather what that matters to you from those capitals that you gain.
Hope is down here, not up there in the capitalisitic world, hope is in the people, in the moments, in between. In every breathe you take and all around you. Hope is not bogged down in your head, it does not stem from your pride and ego, it is not something you get, but something you earn, not by winning, not by hating , but by believing, and letting go. And know here that no one can give you that, like faith, they can show you, but only you must accept that hope.
We both like music, to have peace, to rest and to feel accomplished. To have meaning and goals and love in this complicated and lonely world. And so we all must hope.
Hope for a better world, a better day. A better you.
Cause life is the hardest thing there is, and some how it is also the most beautiful. Break the chains, brothers and sisters. The world outside awaits.
To leave you with one of the quotes from my favorite books.
Death makes the whole world kin.
Neal Shusterman - Arc of a Scythe
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With all the Love,
Produde Mertens.
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Yeah yeah i realize my writing is pretty trashy, but eventually i’ll get better, hopefully :)